Questions to Ask Before Marriage: 30 Conversations for Sri Lankan Couples
Love matters, but so do money, family, faith and where you'll live. Here are 30 questions to talk through before marriage, grouped by topic, with tips for asking them kindly.
Questions to Ask Before Marriage: 30 Conversations for Sri Lankan Couples
Love matters, but so do money, family, faith and where you'll live. Here are 30 questions to
talk through before marriage, grouped by topic, with tips for asking them kindly.
Short answer: before marriage, talk through ten things: values and faith, family and where you'll live,
money, careers, children, everyday life, how you handle disagreements, health, the wedding itself, and
the future. Below are three questions for each, plus five for a first proposal meeting.
Whether you met at university, through friends, on an app or through a family proposal, the
questions that matter before marriage are the same. Some are easy. Others, like money,
in-laws and health, are the ones couples often avoid until after the wedding, when they're
much harder to talk about.
You don't need to ask all 30 in one evening. Use this list over weeks or months, one
conversation at a time.
The 10 conversations
1. Values and faith
- What matters most to you in life, and what would you never compromise on?
- What does your faith mean to you day to day, and what place should it have in our home?
- If our faiths or traditions differ, how will we handle festivals, ceremonies and raising
- children?
2. Family and where you'll live
In Sri Lanka, families often have strong views on where a couple lives, so agree on it together
first. - Will we live with one of our families, near them, or on our own?
- How involved do you expect our parents to be in our decisions?
- How will we share time between both families on festival days like Avurudu, Vesak,
Deepavali, Christmas or Eid?
3. Money - How will we manage money: a joint account, separate accounts, or both?
- Do either of us support our parents or siblings, and will that continue after marriage?
- Do either of us have loans or debts the other should know about?
- Careers and going abroad
- How do you see both our careers after marriage, including after children?
- Would either of us move to another city, or abroad, for work, and would the other come
too? - If one career has to come first for a while, how will we decide?
5. Children - Do you want children? If so, how many, and when?
- How would you like to raise them: language, schooling, faith and discipline?
- How would we feel if having children turned out to be difficult?
- Everyday life
- How should we share cooking, cleaning and other housework?
- What does a normal weekday look like for you, and a perfect weekend?
- How much time alone, or with your own friends, do you need?
6. Everyday life - How should we share cooking, cleaning and other housework?
- What does a normal weekday look like for you, and a perfect weekend?
- How much time alone, or with your own friends, do you need?
7. When you disagree - How do you usually act when you're upset, and what helps you calm down?
- How did your parents handle arguments, and what would you do differently?
- If we hit a problem we can't solve ourselves, would you be open to counselling?
8. Health and lifestyle - Is there anything about your health, or your family's health history, you'd want me to
know? - Have we both had a thalassaemia screening test?
- How do you feel about smoking, drinking, fitness and food habits?
Why question 23 matters: Thalassaemia is an inherited blood condition. Carrying the trait isn't an illness, and most carriers have mild symptoms or none at all. But if both partners carry it, each pregnancy has a 1 in 4 chance of a child being born with thalassaemia major, which needs regular blood transfusions.
Sri Lanka offers free, walk-in thalassaemia screening aimed at couples before marriage, and you don't
need a doctor's referral. It's sometimes called the 21st porondama, after the 20 points of traditional
horoscope matching. If you both carry the trait, talk to a doctor about your options before you decide
anything.
9. Wedding and traditions
- What kind of wedding do we want, and what's our budget?
- What do our families expect: the size of the wedding, the costs, and any gifts or dowry? Are
we both comfortable with that? - How much do horoscopes and porondam matter to each of us, and to our families?
10. The future
- Where do you see us in five years, and in twenty?
- What's one dream of yours I can help make happen?
- What does a good marriage look like to you?
If you met through a proposal: 5 questions for the first meetings
First meetings arranged by families can feel formal. These questions help you get past the
profile and the horoscope:
- What made you say yes to meeting?
- What does a normal week look like for you?
- What are you hoping for in a partner?
- How much are your parents involved in this decision?
- What's something about you that a profile or a horoscope can't show?
Save the deeper questions above for when you've met a few times.
How to ask without it feeling like a test
- One topic at a time: Pick one conversation per date or call, not all thirty at once.
- Answer first yourself: Going first makes it a conversation, not an interview.
- Be curious, not judging: Ask why, and hear the whole answer before you respond.
- “Let me think” is fine: Some answers take time. Agree to come back to them.
Need something lighter to start with? Try our 25 conversation starters.
Different answers aren't red flags
You won't agree on everything, and you don't need to. What matters is how you handle the
differences. Take note if your partner:
- Refuses to talk about money, family or children at all.
- Agrees to everything, then does the opposite.
- Dismisses your feelings or mocks your answers.
- Says their family will decide everything, and won't discuss it.
Look for the good signs too: our guide to 7 green flags covers them. If you're stuck on
something important, talk to someone you both trust, such as a counsellor, a respected elder
or a religious leader.
Where Hamuwemu fits
If marriage is what you want, say so from the start. When you set up your Hamuwemu profile,
you choose what you're looking for, from friendship to marriage. Lifestyle details like smoking,
drinking and diet are part of your profile too, so some answers are there before you even say
hello. Religion is optional and asked for separately.
A person reviews every member's selfie before they can send a message, so you're getting to
know someone real. Here's how our verification works, and how to choose a good dating app if
you're comparing.
Frequently asked questions
When should we have these conversations?
Ideally before you get engaged, and over several weeks rather than one long night. Some
questions, like where you'll live, need your families too.
What if our answers are different?
That's normal. The question is whether you can find an answer that works for both of you. If you
can't agree on something big, such as children or where you'll live, take it seriously before you
commit.
Is it okay to ask about money and health before marriage?
Yes. It's respectful, not rude. Money and health cause some of the hardest conversations after
the wedding when they're left unspoken. Asking kindly, and answering honestly yourself,
makes it easier.
Should our parents be part of these conversations?
Some of them. Living arrangements, the wedding and family expectations involve both
families. Values, money and children are best talked through between the two of you first.
Looking for someone who wants the same future? On Hamuwemu you can say you're looking for
marriage and get to know people properly first.
Join Hamuwemu · Start as Friends. Find Your Forever.
